Living On Pause

For the last five years I’ve been living on Pause. Ever since my divorce, and all the ensuing life changes I’ve gone through, the one constant has been that I have been living in state of expectation, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to figure out what’s next. Frankly, it’s been exhausting.

For a while I was just on survival mode, especially for the first year after the divorce. By necessity I had to be mobile, limber, able to react at a moment’s notice. I changed cities, jobs, states, friends, life. Whatever I was doing, I knew I was doing for the time being, simply because the time being is all I knew. It was a time when I couldn’t see more than a couple months into the future, when buying furniture gave me anxiety because what if I had to pack everything I owned in my car again?

Then I met a wonderful young woman who helped me see that there was a future, and I fell in love. But we lived hundreds of miles away and had no idea how we’d end up together. It all worked out, but it meant more moves across more states, more changes, more uncertainties. We found happiness, and we had a baby, which of course prompted new questions about what next, which brought us to more moves across even more states, back to where I had begun.

Being back in Florida has been one long period of what next? I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve been ready to head out of here but things don’t just line up properly. It’s been two and a half years of waiting for the next thing that will makes us want to move, of making preparations and plans for a possible new life elsewhere, of wanting to finally settle down just not here. Last time we thought we were ready, we found out we were pregnant with our second child, and as I write this, that baby is only days away from being born. I’m tired of living on Pause.

My wife saw this on Twitter and sent it my way.

As I mentioned recently, when you ask, you have to learn to listen. I did my due diligence in planning and preparing for a possible new life, and all of a sudden everything lined up perfectly for a new life right here, right now. I had prayed and prayed asking God to please let me know where He wanted us to go, what He wanted us to do, but when the answer came I was so surprised that I didn’t believe it. It took a bit to finally realize that my prayers HAD been answered, just not how I had expected them, and that was good.

I’m ready to live here and now, to stop treating my situation like a waystation and more as my place for this moment in my life. I want to serve my community, invest in the lives of people I care around me, join a gym without fear of having to do an early cancelation, get excited that I will indeed be around next year to check out the new Star Wars area at Disney Hollywood Studios, unpack each and every single box in the house without being anxious that we may have to repack at a moment’s notice. If later on God wants us to move somewhere else, then so be it, by His grace we will achieve it, but for now, we’re here. I’m here. I’m done living on Pause. I’m ready to hit Play.

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