Movie Review: Jumper

Sucks. Save your money and run away.

You want more? Okay.
The movie falls so flat that a bound and gagged mime has more depth to it. Great special effects, but horrible acting (thanks for ruining yet another geek movie, Hayden Christiansen), an unimaginative script and just plain bad storytelling. The movie is about this guy, David, who is a Jumper, a teleporter (complete with his own BAMF!) who starts doing stupid things like robbing banks and leaving IOUs behind (I kid you not) and then discovers that there are these other people, called Paladins, whose mission in Life is to kill Jumpers for some paper-thin reason or other. Apparently there is a war going on (stretching back to the Middle Ages, no less!), but we only see three Jumpers in the whole movie (one of them alive for only two seconds, plus the other two main ones). Not much of a war, really; more like a nasty argument with lots of pushing and shoving (to steal that phrase from Red Dwarf’s Rimmer). Stuff happens, a girl enters the picture and obviously becomes the bait, and then the movie ends with something that may pass as a resolution in some story-deprived world in the galaxy of Lame-o.

The movie feels like a pilot for a TV show, complete with conviently open-ended hooks for sequels (I can feel the pain already) and totally unexplained setting info that is merely mentioned and then left hanging. And not in a “well, here’s this info and the reasons behind it are irrelevant because this is the story,” but in a “knowing what the hell is going on would have made these 2 hours a bit more enjoyable.” Seriously, who are the Jumpers? Where do they come from? How do they breed? Who are the Paladins? How do you become one? Why do they hate the Jumpers? Is this really a war? How many are left on both sides? How does the Jumping work (because it is not really consistent throughout the movie)? Why does Sam Jackson have that stupid white hair? Nothing.

My fellow geeks, take that idea–teleporters fighting against pseudo-religious nutjobs who hate them–and make a cool game or something out it. You’ll probably end up with a much better story.

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